Suicidal Survivors Guilt

Is it selfish to live?

I used to think death would spare those I love from dealing with me

But instead it was they who spared me.

But now every twitch
Every trigger
Every attack, both panicked and mental
Has collateral damage
And the closer I hold you
The closer you are to the line of fire
For my heart is in the crosshairs

I don’t want to die
But I don’t want others to suffer for my life

Always trying to rebuild
But I don’t have the tools to construct in a crater.

Why is it so hard to believe my life is not a burden?
Why is it so hard to accept redemption
Doesn’t happen overnight?

I want to feel, but not like this.
I want to live, but not like this.

And I’ll pay any price for peace
If it means I can sleep knowing my nightmares won’t follow
When I wake